giovedì, giugno 02, 2005

Manifesto dei giocatori

A Gamers' Manifesto

Tra i 20 punti del manifesto:

2. Give us a genre of game we've never seen before. Something that's not an FPS or an RPG or Madden NFL or... (beh noi abbiamo fifa e winning eleven)
Half of the gamers are now over age 18, and almost a quarter are over age 50. Where are the games for the old-timers? Where's the game where we get to play as Dr. House and diagnose mysterious illnesses while crushing the patient's spirit with cruel insults? Where's the game where we're a pre-op transsexual where the object of the game is to gather enough money to complete the operation?

3. Don't bullshit me about your graphics
How, in 2005, can there still be gamers taken in by EXCLUSIVE SCREENSHOTS of games that are obviously taken from cutscenes and have NO connection with what the actual game will look like? I blame the developers formerly known as Square for this.

6. All of the new consoles will have hard drives. Use them.
There is not one single reason in the known universe for even one more game where the save point is ten motherfucking minutes away from the boss, forcing me to fight my way down the same hallway each of the 62 attempts it takes me to beat the guy (I'm looking at you, Metroid Prime).

How in the name of Islamic Fonzie did we ever let games get away with "Loading..." screens? The Gamecube doesn't have those, not on the games made by Nintendo. Hell, the 8-bit NES didn't have load screens 20 years ago. Our favorite TV shows don't load. DVD movies don't load between scenes. The animals at the zoo don't load.

14. Seriously, get rid of the crates
The crate has long been held up as an example of lazy game art design, a crutch that game level decorators have been falling back on for fifteen damned years. Come to think of it, have you ever actually seen one of those wooden crates in real life? And did you smash it to see if there were bullets and medicine inside?

16. Don't use the online capability as an excuse to release broken games
The first time we hear the word "patch" in relation to a PS3 or XBox 360 game, we're taking the console back to the store. Filled with our shit.

17. Don't let other features distract from gaming

t's no surprise, then, when Sony President Ken Kutaragi says "The PS3 is not a game machine." Thanks for the honesty, Ken!


We'll try to be calm and avoid the violent hyperbole that spoils so many gaming websites, but are you telling me that Congress can hold hearings about steroids in baseball, but they can't do anything about jumping puzzles in first-person games? YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FEET.

etc etc

3 commenti:

  1. Quoto tutto ma in partticolare:

    Speed Cheating. That miraculous burst of catch-up speed from your opponents. CPU tacklers and recievers do it in Madden. I'm also looking at you, every racing game ever made.

    Hard games are fine. We like a challenge. But be fair about it.


  2. The animals at the zoo don't load.


  3. Dove si firma ?

    Mi è piaciuto in particolare l'epiteto 'Islamic Fonzie'.


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